Have you ever wondered...

I wonder a lot, I think about lots of things.
Right now, I am wondering if I am being punished by people praying for me over all thats going on with my health.

Ok, OK, I know prayer isn't a bad thing in reality. But, I already know God is going to take care of all of this in HIS time. I already know what steps have to be gone through, he has given me the info ahead of time for almost 19 years now (The problem started in July of 1989, and I literally had my first dream after the first two weeks of nonstop headache)

I have known since I was just over 13 years old that this would minister to LOTS of people, I have watched it change lives. I have also known that this problem would continue until I went through a certain procedure which I have not yet been through. I saw the headaches come back in the dreams before I even had the first shunt put in. But the shunt had to be put in, it was part of God's plan, and I enjoyed the just over 4 years I was totally free of the headaches.

Now for the reason I wonder if I am being punished, I doubt it but still the thought crosses my mind often. I was sitting in church this morning. Pastor came up and prayed for me (and many others who are not well) and I wasn't in a lot of pain....til I got home. I had anticipated going to the evening service as well, but even nearly 3 1/2 hours later I can still barely move. I have had lots of bouts of intense pain over the last two months, but this is one of the worst. I almost feel that when I get prayed over God is reminding me that its HIS time not mine, last week there was even a word about Faith and God wanting us to remember that even as we go through the struggles, he will bring us to the other side of that Valley in HIS time and we will be stronger for it.

I had actually ASKED for that word. I asked very specifically if my faith was still there because I had almost felt abandoned the last few weeks. I wanted a real answer to know that I hadn't lost the faith, and that I needed it renewed and rejuvinated. He gave me just what I asked for, Then, he reminded me that he is still in control.
Now I feel like I am begging when I pray about feeling better or even Chris's salvation. I know it will happen in his time, I just am not a very patient person, especially right now.

I am So Frustrated

Gracious, I am so tired of this whole mess.
This morning I saw the neurologist again. While I don't mind seeing him, I already had a strong inkling of what he had to say.
Spinal Tap, here we come.

Wednesday I get to visit my neurosurgeon again. Dr. Silverman wants to make sure that they can do a spinal tap to check the pressure. I wouldn't be so frustrated except that I technically was supposed to see Dr. Pieper on Halloween, but that got moved to go see Dr. Silverman in the first place.

Apparently my EEG and VEP weren't bad enough to have to look at those in more depth. That part is really good as I don't want to go through more of that. So, once again, I know nothing more than before and my thoughts that I knew more than the doctors in the first place was proven.
It is so hard to find the peace of God in this one for me as I asked about the tap way back on the 17th of October when I had the CT scan, MRI, and X-Rays. I thought it made more sense since that's the only way they can tell if the pressure is high.
I know God is in this, I know he wants either Me or Someone Else to learn from this, but right now I am feeling very weak and vulnerable since it seems I am going in circles to get this straightened out.
Right now, my biggest concern is if being headache free again is really worth all the hassles to deal with this.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr