Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why is it so hard?

This week seems to be flying by, but this week is not my stressful week. Next week is the one I am not ready for.

For some reason, despite how much I want to be positive, there is an air of doubt in my mind that I just can't get rid of.

I am not sure if its fear of the unknown, the known, or just plain the fact that I am not comfortable with whatever may come next in the journey at this point.

I know I know, I have read all the positive scriptures that say not to fear, but there is just something that is NOT sitting well with me and I have a very Good/Bad history of that gut feeling being right.

Maybe it has something to do with having less than 4 weeks of pain free time in the last 24 months, I don't know. I was actually kind of relieved for the final diagnosis of being glucose intolerant; I have known it for some time, and now. However, I am not looking forward to the echo (why is an ultrasound so traumatic, it's such a simple test compared to say the MRI, lol, yes, it's my heart, but STILL, its non-invasive, and she isn't really all that concerned or at least she said she was just verifying that it was ok 2 years later, Perhaps its cause she is looking for Pressures that lead to the Lungs, which is to check for Pulmonary Hypertension (and my Blood Pressure is ALWAYS High at her appointments, last time it was the lowest ever at 155/85 and she ordered it directly after checking lung capacity which I didn't do so hot at) I just don't know

Then Friday I see the New Neurosurgeon…I DO NOT WANT A SHUNT… DO NOT, you read this, I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER SHUNT am I yelling and screaming like a child? Yes? No? I don't care…at this point I seriously feel the other docs are likely right, I have read the support boards pretty thoroughly, and guess what, NONE of them has had a shunt work longer than a year either. Hmmmm the only success stories, well they haven't had them a year, most are having issues within the first SIX months…I do not want to be in and out of the hospital again and again. Living with the pain is bad enough, but being sliced into every time it fails….I think I would rather suffer… Lauren has already told me she is scared of me having another surgery… and how bad it was when I came home in worse shape than going in, so unless he is willing to look at the Chiari, I am not sure what I am going to do come Friday. I thought I had a grip on what I felt was a right decision, but the more I pray, the worse I feel, and the worse I feel the less confident I feel about this decision, and the less confident I feel the harder it becomes, the harder it becomes, the more I am upset that I am going by myself because I know the decision is totally mine. At least I know I am not scheduling it til May. I can't do it before the end of the semester, since HF doesn't have online capabilities for me to do school while there.


1 comment:

Jacqui Zollner said...

((hugs)) No idea what you are going through with all this, but, I know what you tell me. All I can say, which I've said before, is I'm praying for you!!