I survived

The appointment this morning took almost 2 hours, I left hurting so bad, from sitting so long, half of my problem is that I can't sit that long, and moving to start over felt good, but I had to go sit again I actually had an hour long appointment and a 45 minute long appointment, oh did I hurt.

Now its time to pray but I am not even sure how to pray anymore.

On one hand, if they declare me disabled before September of 2008 I will get significantly more money, but wont qualify for SSI which means no insurance. THAT DOES NOT HELP me get better.
On the Other hand, If I am disabled AFTER September 2008, I will only be qualified for SSI, which gives medicaid, but less money.

Since I left my job back in 2003 because I was sick all the time and being a mom was more important than trying to fight it, I don't know what will happen. I am trying to get training so it looks good, but now its a waiting game.

If I qualify for disability on the PTC, which is what is getting the better of me RIGHT NOW, even more than my leg has been....its what wakes me up, its whats making me sick all the time, and its what at least one of my meds is treating... or trying to treat, anyhow. Its whats limiting my ability, and its whats giving me my vivid dreams again. Maybe another post, we shall see, maybe. Anyhow...THat has been ongoing since 1998 with ONE remission, but several times with lack of treatment because I learned to live with it...or was stubborn and scared...but it has been being treated and monitored thoroughally for going on two years now, I can't afford to NOT take care of it for Lauren's sake.

If I get it based on that I will need Chris to get a GOOD job with insurance, because we will not qualify for medicaid at all. We will likely lose all of our assistance. In the end it will work out ok, but the wait will be really rough.

At this rate, I feel like I let my family down. I have never gotten to this point, I have always taken care of them and this was REALLY hard for me, now I wait, we will likely have a psych eval and many other appointments, I will work through it and try not to put cover it, Its very hard for me, I am used to bein strong for my family and right now I feel so vulnerable.