Stressed Out

I was up late last night, My heart was aching, my head was aching, my back pain is spreading, it is crawling both up and down, it has made it up past my bra and the low back has been in constant pain especially when I breathe.

I found a Caring Bridge page last night for a lady who has PTC, it made me cry since she has had so many shunt procedures, many less spinal taps than I have and much lower pressure, and very little visual damage. I am so happy she has been through so little but at the same time I am so frustrated because my docs refuse to do anything until I lose my vision so I suffer constantly, it was a very hard read, I have learned to live with this for so long.

I am quite grateful that I gave up on pain medications when they quit working since I am afraid that the amount of pain I would be in would be significantly greater if I was on them, my drug tolerance is so high anyhow. Tomorrow I go for my SSI Appointment they called this morning to remind me, I can't believe how real it is, I JUST want the insurance, I NEED a spinal tap so bad its not funny.

I have been researching the gastric bypass stuff, and honestly I doubt I would even be able to have one since the hospital that the neurosurgeon wants me to have it at does not do them on people who have had a heart attack, so when they overdosed me on the dilaudid, they may have cost me that opportunity too....I will have to play a nice long waiting game and see.

I am scared, emotionally, a wreck and not sleeping well anymore. I would hate to think I may qualify for the SSI on my sleep apnea based off of the mental case, that is quite neve wracking, but whatever it takes. Lauren is taking a break from school for a moment before she starts her phonics lesson, I can't believe she actually finished her math on time, she had to do two lessons today because we got grocery shopping done yesterday morning while I was feeling pretty good, we don't waste time when I am feeling good since we never know when it will happen again anymore.