Many years ago, God showed me that I had a road that he was going to carry me through...at that time I had no real clue just what that meant.
In that time he allowed me or gave me dreams that showed this walk in mostly black and white with very little color or sound, it was like watching old silent movies.
I have been watching these dreams come true since I was 13. I have met people, prayed with people, and watched people renew their faith in Christ through suffering since the walk he was carrying me though was the headaches.
For almost 13 years now, I have known that this battle will end with brain surgery. I had accepted that, especially after I had the PTC diagnosis, since I knew one of its treatments was a Ventricular Shunt.
Many people do not understand how I can accept that God will not just "miraculously" heal me, our faith says otherwise. The bible however does tell us that we must suffer sometimes. James talks about Counting it a joy to be in the midst of a trial, Paul mentions a thorn in his flesh, Job suffered A LOT. Why do we modern Christians seem to think that its a horrible thing to suffer once in a while.
This morning I was sitting in church. I felt absolutely horrible as I have for several weeks now, if I am not in ice cold air conditioning, I feel like my head is just going to explode.
The holy spirit fell like you would NOT believe, I mean, we serve an awesome God but this was just so amazing to experience, and I have been there before, but I and many others at my church REALLY needed that today.
While I was praying I began to beg God yet again. He stopped me mid prayer, and corrected my request, reminded me that I have to walk through this to do his will...I am so curious as to what that is right now. The corrected request was as if he told me, you do not NEED healing, you need strength to get through this, and Remember that Fear is not of God.
I hadn't realized how afraid I truly was of what is coming. When I was diagnosed with the PTC I was ok with brain surgery being the final outcome because a Ventricular shunt while not an easy procedure, for a neurosurgeon its a fairly simple surgery.
With the new diagnosis or Chiari, the chiropractor giving up on me and my leg NOT working right, I kinda freaked out....a decompression surgery that the new neurosurgeon thinks is more necessary than the VP shunt, is a LOT more serious. I told God that I didn't think I was capable of going through that, I think I heard him laugh.
Needless to say, I am no longer afraid, God will be there no matter what it is he chooses to allow me to go through. I need to feel honored that he knows I will hold firm to him no matter what comes my way. He reminded me that he did not give me the details that it would be a "simple" surgery, he never promised it would be easy....he just promised he would be there and take care of me.
The words to the Ray Boltz song, I will praise the Lord have been running rampant in my head since this morning, NO matter what tomorrow brings, I know I will serve the Lord.
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