Thursday, May 15, 2008


I had a physical therapy session today that rivaled late March, for only the second time in 3 1/2 months I cried going through therapy...I was able to do about half as much work as usual and that caused immense pain.

When Cathy saw my frustration (Tuesday I did 1000 steps in 12 minutes on level 3, today I didn't do 500 steps before I had to stop at 10 minutes on level 2) she said it was likely due to the overdose on stress I have had this week, The headaches have been killing me more than usual for 10 days now. They have been almost twice normal which is already more than most people can handle.

I think, honestly, if they were to send me to the shrink this week, he would definitely say I was depressed, and unlike the first time I saw him, this time I would tend to agree.
When I saw him the first time, I had no use of my legs, had not had the heart attack yet, the Sleep apnea was not confirmed and I thought honestly that I was going to be able to get the shunt replaced or at least some kind of CSF diversion going...I did not know I was going to be diagnosed with the Chiari, I had no clue that this wasn't going to stop anytime soon and I had no idea what it was going to do to my family, our housing situation or even how much stress it was going to put on Lauren and Chris.

I am really grateful though, Chris has stood by me, holding me close, even when I break down and just cant handle anymore. Lauren has stepped up and gained a ton of independance, which makes my life both sad and easier all at once. My church, wow, they have been super supportive as well. My family, well, my family has done a lot, my mom was here for 3 weeks after the surgery taking care of Lauren and my Father in law stepped up ever since since they are closer and he is retired, they are even taking Lauren this Friday just so we get a day off (not sure I really want a day off, but she will have fun)

So, while the extreme pain may be caused by stress, I don't know how much more I can handle. I don't want the pressures to hit the point where I end up in the hospital again. Stress is what induced and broke me the first time. I don't remember what set it off the second time, and the third time was about a month after the miscarriage so I dont really know what set that one off either...but I can tell, I remember this feeling a little too well. I won't be scheduled a spinal tap til mid August, right now that seems like a million years away. I am praying hard I can last that long.